I have uncovered a saddening revelation: Time is no longer a luxury a university student can afford.

Every new lecture or tutorial sees a new chapter. The number of chapters we learn in one semester is equivalent to what we usually learn in one year or more back in JC or Secondary. I feel stretched to the limit, like I'm being smothered to death by all the subject content.

Aside from the fact that we are learning higher-order topics that demand incessant study and practice, we are force-fed copious amounts of information. There is barely enough time, nay, there is not enough time to ensure our total mastery and grasp of the subject content. Coupled with the fact that we are expected to fully understand and apply everything within such a short time frame, it makes for a recipe calling for the impossible.

Moreover, our performance is continually being assessed and graded. This is very much unlike in JC where all our studying is geared towards the A Levels, where literally only the A Levels matter. We now have homework and tests and lab assignments and essays and online assessments. How does this link to my argument?

Most obvious would be the fact that just having to do them takes time. However, aside from that we also spend time making them perfect. Perhaps not perfect perfect, but our personal best. This is because they are graded! We want to get the maximum possible grade. So we stay up late until the wee hours trying in vain to figure out the correct answers.

However, let's not forget to mention those who actually manage to do well. These people fall into one of two categories, if not both. Either they're truly gifted people with a knack for instant comperehension (even of difficult subject matter) or they've learned it all before. Or both. Either way those who fall into the third category are at a disadvantage.

Maybe I'm being a bit narrow-minded. Perhaps I fail to see how my own shortcomings could probably be what tipped the giant snowball down the embankment. What an apt illustration: a giant snowball of work getting bigger and bigger, gaining momentum and rolling down toward a fleeing me.

Maybe I procrastinate. I will not deny it, I do procrastinate at times. However, I have come to the conclusion that I only do that because of the giant snowball. It seems it's more of an effect than a cause.

Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist. I want my homework to be so immaculate, so free of mistakes and blemishes that I waste precious time. This cannot be true since perfection moves lower down my priority list when valuable time is at stake.

Maybe I just don't have the brains to understand all that I'm learning. Maybe I just wasn't cut out to do well in university. Perhaps I'm too simpleminded. That can't be. If I was deficient in that respect, what would I be doing in university?

Maybe my mind has deteriorated to such a degree that I find grasping subject content laborious. This could be partly true. That eight-month break was too long. There's nothing I can do to change the past though, is there?

Or perhaps my own excuses in defending myself are faulty. Perhaps I am guilty of at least one of the points listed above and I refuse to acknowledge it. This, I surmise, would have to be up to my dear readers' opinions.

Am I being too hard on myself? I already feel bad for lashing out against the system. Perhaps everyone is to blame.

I just feel like unloading all the emotional and psychological baggage that have been weighing heavily one my mind the past few days. I've been dwelling on the negative, another trait that makes me Karissa. I tried hard not to, really I did. I've tried turning to God to see me through this. I guess it's just one of those times when He feels far away. Not that He doesn't understand. I know He cares and that He's there. It's just that it seems after I'm reminded of His love and support, I look back and the snowball is still there. I wish He would make it vanish into thin air, as if by magic. Or by a miracle, rather.

But that isn't the case. I'm forced to deal with it. I pray for extraordinary strength and perseverance but it seems my adrenaline is being drained away at an exponential rate. It's a miracle I'm able to survive until now. Only by God's grace. Only by His grace. He keeps me going.

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I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2



Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Many thanks. (: